~SSchaff73

I've been told for years that I have multiple talents. I'm a good artist, a good writer, and a good musician. But I'm so afraid of failure that I've never really taken any of those talents seriously.

Any time I start to take something positive in my life more seriously, I end up stopping for fear of failure. I could go into my reasons, or into explaining why this is, but that's not going to help me improve.

So what I'm doing now, is a bit different than what I've done in the past. This morning I got to thinking, "Why am I trying so hard to focus on one thing, when I do have so many differing talents and abilities? I really should be investing time and energy into all of them."

The truth be known, I've been afraid of failure since I was a teenager. Part of this is that I failed so many times and didn't want to fail anymore. But why is that even important? For years, I've told myself, if I don't ever try, I've already failed. Indeed, up to this point I have.

I don't like what I've done with my life. Basically, I'm a middle-aged man who's done absolutely nothing with the hand God has dealt. I only today began to think back on my old dreams, and I remembered once believing I could do everything I had the ability and talent to do. What happened? It wasn't that I grew up; it was that I shrank back from the challenges of life instead of seeing them as something good that I could use to better myself.

Now that I've seen the negative effects of this bad attitude, I think I can start facing my challenges. I'm going to start by stopping this nasty habit of telling people what I want to do when I grow up. I'm already grown-up, for crying out loud! But also, acting like I know without a shadow of a doubt, what exactly my talents and loves are in art -- and other things, as well -- is just plain foolish. My loves and talents change as I begin to experiment with different forms and media. There's no law that says I MUST focus on only one thing, when I've been granted talents and loves for many things. If I want to find my niche, then I need to stop limiting myself.

I'm going to try getting back into writing, and even into my music (I used to play the drums). I'm also going to focus on every art form I love and enjoy. I don't have to be a master of any one Craft to be something in this world. If Leonardo da Vinci both painted and invented at the same time, certainly I can follow his example and be everything I want to be, not just what I think others want me to do.

So I guess being a 'jack of all trades, and a master of none,' isn't all that shameful in light of the hand I've been dealt. It's better to be a jack of all trades, than to never amount to anything because of my fears.

I know this is somewhat negative on my own part, but I really need to be more assertive in my own aspirations, and I need to broaden my horizons more often. If I have all these talents, then I really believe I need to invest in them all.

So my point? I'm basically telling myself to stop pitying myself and start achieving what I know I'm capable of. The things I've been doing over the past few years have stifled me, and made me into a failure. I do not enjoy excelling at failure. So I'm telling myself -- SCREAMING IT, if I have to -- to stop focusing on my past, what I can't do, and all that garbage; and start focusing on my present and future, and what I can do. I don't want to be a casualty because I never invested in what I do love and have a natural ability to accomplish with some decency.

And that's my journal for today. I've got work to do, not the least of which is that big suspension bridge drawing I've been thinking about for the last couple days. And then there's the story I want to write, but that's for another time.

Have a good evening, everyone.